Martin Luther King Jr. unpacked love and hate when he said, "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." Which is easier for you to feel: love or hate? Unfortunately this question is all too easy to answer. When I'm head over heels for something, I definitely fall hard, but I hold a mean grudge. Avoid thinking about middle school type of grudge. Avoid talking to ex-boyfriends type of grudge. Hide Facebook updates because I'm not quite brave enough to un-friend someone type of grudge (thank GOODNESS for hiding people from your newsfeed, amirite?) Is this unhealthy? Yes. Is this a problem? Yes. Have I attempted to change this? Sure thing, babydoll. I have always ascribed to the idea that if something (or someone) is painful or causing me to doubt myself, then I don't need it in my life. I'm better than that. I deserve more than someone who makes me feel inferior or somehow less. I don't regret shutting them out of my life, but sometimes I regret the way it happened. Point of fact, I think I've actually reached out to some of the major offenders and tried to make peace because I felt uncomfortable with how things ended. Granted, this may take time (years?) and the other person may have moved on, but I did the most I could do with what was given.
I have a hard time being positive. It's a flaw, a weakness that I don't like to talk about. Maybe by avoiding it, it'll go away. If I don't talk about it, no one will know. Inevitably, I am my worse critic. I know when I'm hiding from something and I know what I should be doing to rectify the situation or be the bigger person. That doesn't mean that I have to welcome every last person into my life, but I can come to terms with the fact that I feel better about myself surrounding myself with people who love me and care for me.
These are the things I need to remember. Grudges don't affect anyone else as much as they affect (Consume. Take over. Dominate) you.
What have I done to fix this? I'm learning to let things go. I don't stress over how people treat me. I remind myself of all the blessings and opportunities I have and I choose to see the good things here. Does this always work? Nope, because I am imperfect, but I'm working on it. And that's more than I can say for five years ago.