Step Twenty-Five: Some Things to Not Do. No Matter How Tempting

My intent with this series wasn't really to get your husband to do what you want, but ya'll are smart readers and you knew that. It also wasn't to tell you what to do or what not to do in your relationship. Because that way leads many many many choices and decisions and values and personal commitments.

But there are some things that just shouldn't be done in a loving, trusting relationship. In my opinion.

We talked about one of them- don't lie to each other. I'm not talking "there's no more pie" or "I'd love to watch a Sylvester Stallone movie with you" type of lying- I mean allowing assumptions to creep in, or avoiding that conversations about how your feelings have changed. It's all about respect, people, and of all relationships in your life, you should respect your spouse.

Domestic violence. Big topic, amirite? In all seriousness, it's never okay to hit your spouse in malice or anger. We hear a lot of stories about husband-on-wife disputes, but it's important to understand that media and our society often have a skewed view on events and there are more reverse cases than you'd think. That's not to say that violence of either sort is more or less destructive, just that awareness is important. If you're so mad at your husband that you need to resort to physically lashing out, then it's time to take a good hard look at your coping mechanisms.

Lastly, be careful of your out-of-marriage relationships. Notice how this one isn't a hard and fast rule? You need to make your own decisions on this one. It can be very tempting for some relationships to unravel when the focus is not there anymore. We also live in a day and age where comfort or confession can be viewed as consent. As a partner you have an obligation to either keep yourself out of those situations or stay honest with your spouse. That choice is entirely your own.

Step Twenty-One: Short and Sweet

I don't usually do this...but today I'm calling in a free pass.

Mr. E doesn't do well with long meaningful discussions about why a freshly-made bed absolutely rocks my socks at the end of the day.

So I keep it short.

Hun. Please put your shoes away. I love you.

Simple, concise and to the point.

We could talk for days about feelings and emotions and history and baggage, but the easiest way to get Mr. E to do something is to lay it out in its bare bones.

No ruffles. No ribbons. I do keep it polite, though. Most of the time.

I've heard it's a guy thing. I've heard that guys just don't like talking a whole lot. That they don't do well with big words or explanations. That's okay. Before my first cup of coffee or glass of wine, I don't do well with them either.

But sometimes I think we all need it short and simple. Sometimes I just need you to get to the point of what you're saying so I can do it already. And get back to what I want to do, amirite?

Step Twenty: Ask, Don't Tell

Before you can ask nicely, or to choose between options, you first need to ASK.

Mr. E doesn't like to be told or hinted or passive-aggressively left to-do lists. Doing these things removes him from the conversation- like he's not a part of the decision making process. This leaves ME as the decision maker and all of a sudden we're not treating each other as equals or partners. Instead we're ordering and pulling authority that neither of us has, raising expectations neither of us can reach.

In short we have building volcanoes. All it takes is a pair of shoes left in the wrong place (the computer desk) at the wrong time (when I'm sitting down to write).

To circumvent the out pour of molten stress and misplaced aggression- we encourage each other in meaningful dialogue. Asking my husband to do the dishes (instead of telling him they need to be done) establishes a clear-cut task that will make me happy. No guess work. No extra steps. It includes him in the maze that can be my brain and gives him the option to let me know if this is a) enough or b) too much.

By asking I validate that his goals and tasks for the day are important, too, so no one is feeling diminished or taken for granted. It only gets better from there.

Step Fourteen: Make Him Choose

If you were looking for helpful hints and tips to get your husband to do what you want, you may have been disappointed. As I've said before, my husband doesn't "do what I want" because I'm in charge or bossy or dominating (at least I don't think!). I work hard to serve my husband: to understand him so we can better communicate and build a strong relationship that will last longer than we do.

But I do have one trick up my sleeve.

Whenever we have tasks that neither of us relish doing, I always give him the first choice.

"Hun, would you like to do the dishes? Or make dinner?"

"Do you want to help me make the bed? Or do you want to take the trash out?"

"Do you want to vacuum or clean out the car?"

I like to think that when I take charge to get something done, I turn right around and relinquish control of the situation to put us both on an even playing field. That way it doesn't feel like I'm ordering him around: this is OUR space, not mine, and I'm just as responsible for maintaining it as he is. But by giving him the choice between tasks, he feels more in control- like he's able to choose the option that he thinks least sucks.

Spoiler: sometimes both choices suck.

But he has a completely different attitude about what he's doing when he got to choose.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I ruthlessly applied this tactic from a parenting magazine, but in the end what matters is the fact that BOTH chores are done with minimal blame or accusations- just the way I like it.

Step Six: Choose Your Battles

As you may have read before, I am wholly imperfect, striving for normalcy in a world that fakes and cushions it's way to the top. I get angry easily. I have trouble accepting blame. And still my husband jumps out of bed in the morning to make the bed when I'm gone. Well...maybe he doesn't jump. And maybe it doesn't get made until five minutes before I'm home, but details, people. 

Sometimes getting your husband (or anyone, for that matter) to listen to you can be quite the battle. After all, he's imperfect too! You have to fight to be heard over the din of the first-person-shooter or the conference call or the kids. Sometimes you're fighting exhaustion or a bad day or a financial set back- and then for hubs to be reminded to do something one more time- it can be overwhelming! Just as wives have a lot on their plate (being mothers, daughters, sisters, coworkers, bosses, friends, etc) so do husbands! I know an awful lot of women who belittle what their husbands do as "less" than what they themselves do- something I see as an unfair assumption no matter how the cards stack up.

Choosing which requests or expectations are and aren't met is a critical step in marriage. We all had our starry-eyed expectations of marriage (wait, just me?) but once his and hers towels are on the rack, the movie collection tallied and the honeymoon knick-knacks start gathering dust, reality rears it's ugly head and can easily wreck all of your pretty marital dreams if you're not careful. 

You expected to cook dinner together every night? Now he just got four night shifts and 3 night classes. 

You're so frazzled from the commute to work and back it's all you can do to scarf down a PB and J sandwich. 

You thought weekends would be spent cuddling in each other's arms in newly wedded bliss? Eye appointments, birthday parties, famliy reunions and shopping trips are crammed on top of cleaning the house, trying to make the last show of your sister's play and fighting over what movie to watch.

I like to plan almost everything: happiness is crossing off my to-do list. Mr. E is a little more by the seat of his pants. Between us we get an awful lot done personally and together for the house or our relationship, but I think the majority of that is because I choose my battles carefully. Instead of loading Mr. E up on lists and steps and rules (something I would thrive on), I have to choose the things that are important to me when asking him to do something. 

I would love to come home to dishes done, bed made, laundry put away and all of his freaking shoes in the bedroom for once. On a coffee-induced binge this would be a fulfilling morning. But that's not how Mr. E works and I respect that we have different approaches to things. I know that Mr. E would get nothing done in the face of an overwhelming mound of "to-do's", so instead we communicate our priorities.

Personally, that's having the bed made (I KNOW, Mom!). I don't like sleeping in messy sheets and I love the way it looks when I drag myself through the door and kick off my shoes to find a flat, clean bed just asking to be laid down on. Having a clean counter is an added bonus, but that bed makes it for me. That bed symbolizes Mr. E crossing something off his to-do list. It symbolizes his desire to please, that he wants to make me happy in all the little ways too. It's gone as far as Mr. E realizing that he, too, has always craved a tidy bed before sleeping. 

I think this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in interacting with someone else- not everyone operates the same way you do. Because we may have different methods to our madness, it's easy to see something done differently is wrong, but this isn't always the case. Just because Mr. E has papers all over his desk doesn't mean he doesn't know where everything is- we're getting to the same end but with different routes.

My battle shouldn't be getting my husband to do things my way- it's choosing what's really important to me. Do I want the house clean when I come home? Sure, but that's sort of an unattainable goal, even for myself. So I'll settle for a made bed and dinner out to thaw instead of high expectations and then we'll both be pleased with the results.

Step Five: Accept Blame

This goes against every single lesson I learned in childhood. With three siblings it was much easier to play the blame game- so much so that mom always said her fifth child was "Not Me". Avoiding trouble and responsibility was like second nature- if I could get out of it, I would. If I could prove someone else might have done it, I would. But durn if that's not how marriage works.

Owning up is something I would like to go out of my way to avoid. Personally it's deeply shaming that I did something wrong and got caught for it- left the headlights on and killed the car battery? Forgot to hang Mr. E's T-shirts so they wouldn't shrink? Missed a bill deadline? Things like this happen all of the time but they also suck. I take pride in the things I do, be it chores or errands or craft projects, so to mess up or fail at something I'm working on is kind of a blow to my ego. But while my first instinct is to get annoyed and my second is to blame something else, I'm practicing my latent acceptance skills.

Just like any other skill, you have to exercise this one; allowing yourself to be at fault and accepting the responsibilities for it. 

How does this get my husband to do what I want? Because I'm setting the example for him that I expect responsibility and fairness in our relationship. That I don't get a "Get out of Jail free card" just because I was the one who made the mistake. That house rules and agreements are to be abided by equally and fairly. By making myself vulnerable and still accepting my load, I'm creating an environment of shared work and mutual respect.

I'm also refraining from blaming him. Being blamed for something you didn't do is a surefire way to feel like you're thrown against the wall, a tactic that is not only unfair but deeply threatening to someone who is supposed to be your equal. My husband has the right- as I do- to feel accepted and be treated fairly in our home. If I am able to swallow my pride and squash those nasty blaming habits of my childhood, I am better able to encourage and welcome an atmosphere of retreat. Or happiness and rainbows, whichever he prefers.

I think it's important to bow your head and swallow your pride every once in a while. You can't both be right all of the time and marriage is not a power struggle. I don't want to battle my husband to find fault in the Who Didn't Take Out the Trash scenario because my husband deserves a deeper respect than that. After all, that's part of the reason I chose to marry him.

Step Two: Fostering a Positive Envrionment

This is such a simple, easy thing to do that has SUCH a big impact. Like anyone else, husbands LOVE to hear that they are loved.

You wouldn't expect plants to thrive with no water, a body sustained without food or a blogger to function without coffee or tea. The same is true for your husband! 

Long after those puppy-love feelings have been extinguished, after the honeymoon is over and the weight of living together has really set in, what's left over is the environment the two of you have founded. Is it based on positive affirmations or degrading one another? Do you encourage each other's interests with love and support or are you biting and sarcastic? Are you loving and self-sacrificing for his needs as well as your own?

If life at home is consistently negative, or unsupportive (for either or you) then how can you reasonably expect your husband to WANT to do anything for you? Why should your husband put forth the effort willingly and eagerly if he is unsure of the reaction he'll receive? 

Mr. E and I work hard to make sure that the home we've created is positive. It's a place of rest, a haven to return to and not worry about judgement or ridicule. 

Positivity comes in all shapes and sizes- Mr. E and I are incredibly vocal about our feelings for one another. One of my favorite things about him is that he would sing nonsense songs to me- with silly lyrics about how I'm "awesome" or "so beautiful". Sometimes I'll turn up the radio and dance really silly with him; that always makes him laugh. When we're out we stop by stores we know the other would want to stop in- whether or not we're really interested. Because we give to each other 110%, we reap the love and affection everyday, all the time.

Believe it or not, we actually use this angle when training our dog, Ripley. It's positive reinforcement- praising the things our pup does right and re-directing the things she does wrong helps her understand the rules of the house. Maybe it's a bit crass to compare dog-training and spouse-conditioning, but the idea is similar. 

I know that I am much more motivated to do something for my husband when I am recognized and appreciated for it- even something as small as grabbing a glass of water for him before going to bed. 

When your husband feels comfortable and welcome at home he's more likely to listen to the things you ask him to do.

Step One: Choosing the Right Partner

Day one of How To Make Your Husband Do What You Want (HTMYHDWYW or WYW for short)

Let's just start with the basics. 

Square One. First Step.

You cannot change your husband. 

I'll say it again because I don't think people realize this like they think they do. 

You CANNOT change your husband. 

 Only he can do that. If he wants. 

The long and the short of it is: you get what you marry. So choose wisely.

So what's a woman to do when she's looking for her husband to want to clean the dishes? Or to run errands in his free time? Or cook dinner without being asked?
Unless these things happened before marriage I can almost guarantee they won't happen after marriage barring a drastic change on someone's part.

Let's just call an apple an apple and collectively realize that marriage is not a magic threshold which you step over and become a completely different person. Things are not drastically different between the two of you. 

I think we've built up this nigh unattainable expectation of what men (and women) should automatically do after the ring slips on the finger. Once the vows are exchanged women waltz off to maintain the household and men spend their days providing and supporting- monetarily or otherwise. Or maybe that was just me. 

No matter how many times you cajole or plead or guilt, your man will not magically start fulfilling your expectations of the perfect man just because the wedding is over. We don't even have to call out men specifically here- wives are just as guilty of this as husbands.
To get him to do what you want you first need to ask yourself- is this the right man? Does he have the same marital and relationship goals as I do? Will he comfort and strengthen me? Will he protect and support me in my decisions? You won't be able to rationalize a change of heart with a husband who has no intention of changing.

Despite our rockin' relationship, Mr. E and I were adamant about pre-marital counseling. We were young and came from very different backgrounds, so we wanted to be serious about the commitment we were going to make. Plus, having a third party mediate some of our more intense conversations was incredibly helpful. Granted, the results weren't that eye-opening since we're honest with each other. After three years we had settled into a communicative dialogue, but it was an important step for us to commit to being on the same page regardless of how "in love" we felt. We were both kind of bogged down with this nebulous idea that marriage solved problems, brought us closer together and would be all around awesome. And this was kind of true. We sort of focused on the same things, enjoyed similar tastes and had goals and priorities that meshed rather than clashed. What we learned was how to communicate effectively and understand what the expectations were for ourselves and for each other. 

Marriage isn't a solution for a relationship that is not entered into mutually. You can't assume bad habits are erased, that apathy will be discarded for enthusiasm or that feelings will change once you're hitched. 

Because we talked about our expectations neither of us was really hit with any surprises after marriage: Mr. E sits on the couch and plays video games online with his brother while I'm stirring stir-fry and wiping counters. I chose a partner with the mostly full knowledge that his habits and interests weren't going to change after August 2011, and Mr. E did the same. I still hold deep grudges and want a clean bathroom, but Mr. E wasn't side-lined with a passive aggressive Lysol-Nazi come Marriage Day One.

The best advice I ever received was two-fold. 

First, that you choose who you fall in love with. In fact, you make that choice everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Ultimately the only person keeping you in a marriage is yourself- your beliefs, your convictions, your choice to continue (or not) loving your husband. 

The second, is that you should always give 110% to your partner. If you're focused on each other the rest will fall into place. So instead of fighting against the nature of your husband, frustrating yourself and your partner, understand that you get what you have always had. Marriage doesn't change his personality.

That Time I Was Almost A Receptionist (Again)

Job searching is something I'm very good at. That doesn't mean I get all of the jobs, it just means that my internet-scouring skills are put to good use (finally).

I've been tip-toe-ing around with a company; phone-tagging and emailing back and forth. I thought there was something, but then they'd wait a week before responding and I would beat myself up about hoping and apply to more jobs that I didn't want. Then they'd reach out with something vague and insubstantial (1 of 4 phone interviews, anyone?) and I'd find confidence in the very tips of my fingers and then...nothing for another week.

It drove me batty.

Literally insane.

I wanted to get out of this house. I didn't want to spend money.
I wanted to be doing something productive with my day. I wasn't getting any calls back.
I wanted a job in my field. I wanted money to pay bills more than that.

I think we hit the point where Mr. E was afraid to come home because of my dark abysmal moods. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I hearing from anyone? Was I over-qualified? Under-qualified? I was willing to work at Michael's. At Starbucks. Just give me a freaking shift and I'll blow you away with my work ethic.

So when after all of the final interviews with this company, I still hadn't heard from them- despite a sweetly worded email inquiry- it was time to move forward. Right? Craigslist, of all places, came through for me: a receptionist/ sterilization technician position at a local orthodontics office.

This I could do. Would I enjoy it? Sure. Would it be fulfilling? Probably not. It was part-time and it was minimum wage and would not cover ANYTHING, but it was a job. So I applied. And I interviewed. And I tested and I passed and they wanted me to work a few hours in a "working interview" which really meant they were training me.

Mr. E was ecstatic. Heck, I was ecstatic. After researching the price of scrubs and setting my alarm clock for the first time in two months, I went to bed a happy woman. And then I sat there a very very stressed woman because this was not enough. I knew it, but it was all I had and you have to build on something.

But when it rains, it pours and three hours into training I got the call that I got the job. The first job, the coveted job. The job that pays more than twice as much as minimum wage and is full-time to boot. The job that is fulfilling and productive and no where near anyone's braces.

That's how this sweet people-pleaser turned from her phone to her almost-co-workers and let them know quite decidedly that this was not going to work out but thanks so much for the training and the coffee.

You Might Notice a Slight Change...

Or you might not. Whatevs.

I was really impressed by my sister-in-law's new blog layout (go check it out!) that I started tinkering with mine. Make it a little cleaner, a little more mature. And then I had a full blown new color scheme on my hands! But I like it and I hope you do too!

Our big news for the month (or two) is that I found a job!
Cue mass excitement.

I'll be working with St. Jude's Medical on a team that processes and assesses product complaints for their products- mostly pacemakers and fibrillators. I'll have to pull out all of my old textbooks (and some Internet-sleuthing) to make sure I remember all of my circulatory pathways. It's still a contract job, but there's the possibility to stay on after the contract is up. I start Septemer 30th.

In the vein of jobs, Mr. E's got extended one more week, although shooting on Wish I Was Here by Zach Braff has officially ended. Mr. E's just mopping up the loose ends around the office and with post production- and then he's done! He's on the lookout for another project to work on as well.

Sort of seems like we're passing jobs off!

Keep on the lookout for this blog in October: I'm participating in The Nester's 31 Days, which means I'll be posting once a day every day for the month of October. Sort of like the NaBloPoMo I did in February, only this time I get to choose the topic! So I've got a little something near and dear to my heart, funny, sweet, sassy, honest and above all else, my own experiences. It'll be fun, I swear.

Movies This Week
What Dreams May Come

Monster's University

I Need Help

This hasn't been the best month for me- and that's hard for me to say. I'm a mover and shaker; I make things happen; I pull up my big-girl panties and get to work and I really really don't like to listen to pity parties, but I seem to be throwing myself the biggest one ever.

Moving has been such a blessing for us. I was so scared to uproot ourselves and change our lives by moving to the city. I planned and postulated, trying to prepare myself for each possible pitfall. We scoped out neighborhoods months before we actually needed to move, just so I could see what Burbank was like. I had doubts even when we were signing the lease, but as soon as we stepped outside and saw the rain haphazardly misting around us, I knew it was the right decision.

Rain, in the summer, in Los Angeles. It was my sign.

And when the car broke down on Mr. E's first day at work- a job where he would be required to drive all over God's green earth- I had my doubts again.  We didn't have the money to fix our clunker and we didn't have the money for a new car. I was already beside myself preparing for our move by myself- packing and storing and donating and organizing while Mr. E was away. I thought for sure this was the straw to break my back. Mr. E and his brothers and his father came through- researching deals and plans and before I knew it, we were being handed keys to a new car.

That's when the rain started falling to calm my heart.

I've sat in this house for a month now, unpacking and organizing and re-assessing. Sure, our stuff is technically in three places at once, and we fit now despite the doubts. It's cozy and welcoming, just the way I wanted it. I split my days in half: the first half on the computer looking for jobs and the second is cleaning and sorting while I play catch-up on TV shows Mr. E would never watch with me. I have all the time in the world and yet I feel like I have no time at all because I should be working working working and all I'm really doing is sitting like a bump on a log. I'm productive but not productive enough. I need help to see past this season of waiting, this period of uncertainty.

Waiting is not my strong suit.