Step Twenty-Five: Some Things to Not Do. No Matter How Tempting

My intent with this series wasn't really to get your husband to do what you want, but ya'll are smart readers and you knew that. It also wasn't to tell you what to do or what not to do in your relationship. Because that way leads many many many choices and decisions and values and personal commitments.

But there are some things that just shouldn't be done in a loving, trusting relationship. In my opinion.

We talked about one of them- don't lie to each other. I'm not talking "there's no more pie" or "I'd love to watch a Sylvester Stallone movie with you" type of lying- I mean allowing assumptions to creep in, or avoiding that conversations about how your feelings have changed. It's all about respect, people, and of all relationships in your life, you should respect your spouse.

Domestic violence. Big topic, amirite? In all seriousness, it's never okay to hit your spouse in malice or anger. We hear a lot of stories about husband-on-wife disputes, but it's important to understand that media and our society often have a skewed view on events and there are more reverse cases than you'd think. That's not to say that violence of either sort is more or less destructive, just that awareness is important. If you're so mad at your husband that you need to resort to physically lashing out, then it's time to take a good hard look at your coping mechanisms.

Lastly, be careful of your out-of-marriage relationships. Notice how this one isn't a hard and fast rule? You need to make your own decisions on this one. It can be very tempting for some relationships to unravel when the focus is not there anymore. We also live in a day and age where comfort or confession can be viewed as consent. As a partner you have an obligation to either keep yourself out of those situations or stay honest with your spouse. That choice is entirely your own.

Mr. E on Balancing Work and Home

A typical work hour in the film business is 12 hours. That means 12 hours of work, not counting breaks or travel time. And that’s assuming your production is staying productive throughout the day, which doesn’t always happen. Let’s just say that everyone is very familiar with the concept of Overtime. I’ve been on sets that worked for 16 hours and I’ve even heard of shows that went up to a 24 hour work day. It’s very rare to get that high, but it does happen.

Now, this means that on a normal work day, depending on where we are shooting, I could leave the house at 6am and not get home until 8 or 9pm.  Everybody in this business is a little bit crazy, because we all know that this is normal and expected.

These working hours are a huge reason why so many people in the industry are not married, or have been married far too many times. So it’s important that I remain focused and put my family before my business.

Text messaging saves marriages. I’m not saying that you need to have constant text conversations with your spouse, but for me it’s a fast way to tell Mrs. E that I’m thinking of her. I send her little tidbits throughout the day, and by doing so, we are able to have some personal interaction. It’s obviously not as good as being together in person, but when I’m away from home more hours of the day than I am there, I need to do what I can.

Thankfully, Mrs. E and I have taken the time to understand as much as we could about the business before we started. Since we communicate so openly, there aren’t as many snags or pitfalls when the industry makes yet another drastic change. But as long as we keep in contact with one another, being apart isn’t quite so hard.

One of the keys to a good marriage is to give more than is expected. When the two of you are selfless it only serves to strengthen your relationship as a couple.

Step Eighteen: Be Honest (?)

We've already talked about being honest with your husband- how omitting things, avoiding blame and outright lying to your spouse can lead to resentment and trust issues. And what's a relationship without trust? Not a whole lot.

So you know it's important to be honest with your husband, but an important step in the process is to be honest with yourself.

Chances are you know exactly what you can handle, but do you know how much your husband can handle? Do you know his breaking point? His comfort zone? These things aren't just nice to know- they're useful tools in gauging your husband's ability to juggle life's curveballs.

Keep it real, readers! Expectations are well and good but understand that your standards and his standards may differ. Communicate with each other, but above all, have realistic expectations. I would love to have my home sparkling and spotless when I come home each day, but that's not a very realistic request of my husband- just as he knows it's not realistic for me to make dinner everyday. When we commit to honest dialogue, we encourage a relationship that's built on more than just assumptions, but trust and respect.

Step Fifteen: Change What You're Asking For

You may think that with all of my posts that Mr. E and I communicate extremely well. For the most part that's true...we've been together for five and a half years, so I think we've definitely hit that stage where we understand a lot of the motivations behind each others actions.

But I wasn't born with telepathy. And neither was Mr. E.

This can lead us to some pretty thorny arguments! In general, when I'm doing a task (dishes, errands, making dinner) my thought process is two or three steps ahead of what's at hand. I multitask a lot, so I'm usually thinking something like..."1/2 tsp of salt...1/2 tsp of salt...I need to change my mailing address for my Old Navy credit card...Old Navy has shoes on sale right now...Ripley ate a pair of my shoes last week...Ripley needs to go out...I'll do it and take the trash out at the same time...I found our TV desk by the trash...I need to dust the TV"

I'm learning that this is not the way that Mr. E works. Frankly, I'm learning that this isn't the way a lot of people work! So while I'm reciting a to-do list to myself, committing it to memory and actively thinking about each project simultaneously, I might be talking at the same time about a completely different subject.

Mr. E, on the other hand, needs one task to be finished before he can be told the next one- he likes to focus on one thing at a time, to be present and thorough about each individual task. My brother is the same way; so much so that I wish I could go back in time and implement that lesson earlier. Sorry, Colin.

I'm still learning how to communicate with my husband (and other people in my life who think this way), but I'm already making pretty good use of the information. When we get frustrated with one another because I'm six steps ahead and he can't catch up, I remind myself to stop. Slow down. To change what I'm asking of Mr. E.

There's no right or wrong way between the two of us, but there are certainly better and worse ways we communicate. I have to take it upon myself to change how I'm asking for something to be done, rather than assume that everyone's on the same page. I like to think that my example is useful for Mr. E when he can't seem to communicate with me, either.

I hope.

Step Fourteen: Make Him Choose

If you were looking for helpful hints and tips to get your husband to do what you want, you may have been disappointed. As I've said before, my husband doesn't "do what I want" because I'm in charge or bossy or dominating (at least I don't think!). I work hard to serve my husband: to understand him so we can better communicate and build a strong relationship that will last longer than we do.

But I do have one trick up my sleeve.

Whenever we have tasks that neither of us relish doing, I always give him the first choice.

"Hun, would you like to do the dishes? Or make dinner?"

"Do you want to help me make the bed? Or do you want to take the trash out?"

"Do you want to vacuum or clean out the car?"

I like to think that when I take charge to get something done, I turn right around and relinquish control of the situation to put us both on an even playing field. That way it doesn't feel like I'm ordering him around: this is OUR space, not mine, and I'm just as responsible for maintaining it as he is. But by giving him the choice between tasks, he feels more in control- like he's able to choose the option that he thinks least sucks.

Spoiler: sometimes both choices suck.

But he has a completely different attitude about what he's doing when he got to choose.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I ruthlessly applied this tactic from a parenting magazine, but in the end what matters is the fact that BOTH chores are done with minimal blame or accusations- just the way I like it.

Step Eight: Be Frank (But Mostly Yourself)

If there is one thing that I sincerely dislike, it's being lied to. I don't care what the situation is, or all the good intentions behind it, lying is not okay. You could go into how difficult trust is to maintain, or the foundation that lying builds (both dangerous and slippery), but ultimately lying is about respect. 

You should respect your spouse.

For me this means that Mr. E knows my motivations behind my desires. I tell him all the nitty gritty details of why I want something done and for the most part his eyes glaze over but at least he knows I would never withhold something from him. That's the price he's willing to pay.

I find that when I'm talking with my girlfriends they're often more upfront and blunt with me about their feelings in their relationships than they are with their significant other. In my opinion, if you're serious about your relationship then there is no reason to beat around the bush with how you're feeling. Isn't the point of being an adult finding the things that work for you? Letting go of the things that don't?  Granted that's super simplified, but if you can't understand how you work, how can you expect your husband to do it for you?

I think the best example of this is primetime television. Maybe you're not a big fan, but a lot of weeknight shows reel in their viewers by creating situations and characters you can relate to: generation gaps, experiences we're all familiar with, and relationships we've been a part of. For example: the best relationship quirk is when Lucy lies to Ricky- to protect or help or manipulate him- but eventually all the lies clear and Lucy (and the audience) realizes that Ricky never needed to be lied to in the first place. We all learn that the deception was unneeded and created more drama than was initially there.

Your husband is Ricky (for now). He wants to know you and love you- every single part of you. So give him the same treatment you expect for yourself.