Step Twenty-Three: Love Languages

If you haven't heard of, checked, quizzed yourself or read about the 5 Love Languages- go look!

Essentially the idea is that love is expressed in five different categories: Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. If you need a clarification (or to find what your strengths are) feel free to visit the website.

I'll wait.

Have your top two? Me too. I "speak" in Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch- which doesn't surprise me at all because Mr. E and I aren't generally too far from each other spatially when we're together. I'm pretty big in the "talking" category, too. I just want my relationships to know exactly what it is that makes me happy: it helps them by acknowledging what they do and ensuring they'll do it again, propagating a cycle of generosity and encouragement.

I quizzed Mr. E too, partly out of curisoity but also because if I'm "talking" to him using the wrong "language" then we aren't communicating very effectively. It wasn't much of a surprise his highest scoring language was Physical Touch, but his secondary language (Quality Time) made me think.

Sometimes we reassess our day-to-day when we make big changes- it's a little way of keeping us connected and attuned with one another. Mr. E has often requested more time together and I always assumed it was because he's a little bit stingy with gas money or his down time and he didn't want to travel anywhere. And maybe that's part of it. But once I knew that "speaks" in Quality Time, I realized that this penchant for staying at home and hanging together made a little more sense. This was a way he was telling me he loved me.

These certainly aren't hard and fast rules and there are always exceptions, but by understanding the preferences we have for expressing our feelings, it was a lot easier for Mr. E and I to communicate. And communication is a good thing...you know?

Step Twenty-One: Short and Sweet

I don't usually do this...but today I'm calling in a free pass.

Mr. E doesn't do well with long meaningful discussions about why a freshly-made bed absolutely rocks my socks at the end of the day.

So I keep it short.

Hun. Please put your shoes away. I love you.

Simple, concise and to the point.

We could talk for days about feelings and emotions and history and baggage, but the easiest way to get Mr. E to do something is to lay it out in its bare bones.

No ruffles. No ribbons. I do keep it polite, though. Most of the time.

I've heard it's a guy thing. I've heard that guys just don't like talking a whole lot. That they don't do well with big words or explanations. That's okay. Before my first cup of coffee or glass of wine, I don't do well with them either.

But sometimes I think we all need it short and simple. Sometimes I just need you to get to the point of what you're saying so I can do it already. And get back to what I want to do, amirite?

Mr. E on How Cooking is Good for Your Relationship

All men should know how to cook. Even if all you know is blue box mac n cheese, it’s a start. Your woman’s favorite kind of meal is one that she didn’t have to cook. Trust me on that.

I have a really hard time cooking a full course meal, because I am dreadful at multitasking, ESPECIALLY in the kitchen. I can’t stir the sauce while I’m worrying about whether or not the chicken is cooked all the way through. So most of the time Mrs. E and I share the load, I cook the meat and she cooks the sides. But sometimes I like to do all of it. Those are Mrs. E’s favorite dinners because she didn’t have to do anything.

It’s been a bit harder over the past few months for me to cook for a couple of reasons. One is that at our new apartment we don’t haveroom for a bbq, which means that I have to cook in the kitchen, which means I am completely out of my element. Two is that when I am working I usually don’t even get home til after 9 pm and who wants to eat dinner that late? Nobody that’s who.

So here’s my Mr. E Guarantee: Cook for your wife/girlfriend and she will be happy. And a happy wife makes it easier to be a happy husband. 

Step Thirteen: Bribery

Ladies (and any gents out there)...

I am not above bribing my husband.

Frankly, I'm not above bribing anyone, but that's a whole other post, amirite?

It may not be the most ethical or rewarding of relationship tools, but sometimes you have to make do with what you have.

I bribe my husband with a multitude of things I know he likes:

•      a whole day to sit at home and not go anywhere
•      going to see a movie in theaters (we're movie buffs, what can I say?)
•      food. Really awesome, usually home-cooked, food

Sometimes your husband just doesn't want to do something that you've set your heart on. In these cases, I call a compromise: I'll do this for you if you do this for me. This is sort of a last ditch effort for Mr. E to focus on what's at hand- usually it's something mundane like cleaning the house or making a run to Goodwill. But if I promise him something he wants at the end (we won't have to move for the rest of the day or I'll make pizza), I can get that last burst of concentration and willpower- just enough to get us through.

This is especially helpful because my husband sometimes has anxiety. Every once in a while, for no darn good reason, he just feels in the dumps and there's not a whole lot I can do or say to snap him out of it. I think I'm learning it's not even really a "snap out of it" kind of thing. But what I can  do for him is offer a reward at the end of whatever I need. Having a tangible goal in mind keeps Mr. E focused on what I want (let's jog one more block) for us to get through it and on with our day.

Instead of this being a great sacrifice on my part, I'll let you in on a little secret: I like making my husband happy. Service for my spouse makes me happy, too.

Mr. E on How He Does What He Wants

If there is one thing I have learned about marriage is that it is much easier to be happy if you make your wife happy first. Here’s one way I do it.

Now, when it comes to bread winning, Mrs. E and I have sort of a tag team (but she has a little more endurance than I do so she spends the most time in the ring). That leaves a lot of household work for me to do, and I’m really not very good at that stuff. But when work in the film business is slow, I spend lots of time at home, so I need to pick up the slack.

On a given day, I rarely get all the things done around that house that I should. There are a LOT of dishes in the sink and maybe I don’t get all of them clean… or any of them. The floors are getting dirty, but we aren't having company over until the end of the week, so why clean them now if I’m going to have to do them again in a few days? It can wait, right? And the garage… that’s just too much organizing to do in one day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the soaps all day… I don’t wear pajamas and I prefer video games, but that’s neither here nor there. I don’t want you to think that I’m lazy and that I don’t get anything done, I just want to let you know that sometimes there are days that you are more productive than others.

This is why I make the bed. Every day. Without fail. This is the constant that I give to my wife. So when she comes home from work and the house is messy, there’s no room to wash her hands in the sink, and the dog hasn’t been on a walk, I still have something up my sleeve. She will come into the bedroom to change and see that her place of relaxation is neat and waiting for her.

I make the bed so that when she ends her day and slips into the tightly made sheets, she will know that her husband thought of her while she was away.

Step Three: Indulge Him

This sort of seems counter-intuitive, but to get your husband to do what you want, let him do what he wants.

I think I get the most flack for this part of my relationship with Mr. E, but it's what works for us and might work for you, too! There are a lot of things about my husband that I don't quite understand (football. leveling up characters in Mass Effect 3. his affinity for drying knives) but I roll with it all because it's important to him. I'm sure I have plenty of quirks that he scratches his head at (fabric types. which pan is best for stir-fry. why he can't use my Wii remote).

The trick is that by including him in the conversation and validating his interests as just as important as my own, he's much more approachable about other subjects because he knows that his opinion is valued. 

Interpretation is important. I'm not "allowing" or "letting" my husband do anything. That implies a level of control and pants-wearing that we don't subscribe to. 

We strive to keep our lives as balanced as possible: there are things we do together but there are also things we like to do alone- even if we're in the same room as each other. There are plenty of projects or activities we would rather do as a couple, like watching a show together, or running errands, but just as often we are content to sit in the same room while he plays a game online with his brother and I sew. 

It's all a matter of perspective. Since I have my own projects that I prefer to do alone, I'm not constantly nagging Mr. E to do something with me. That way, when I need his help or would prefer his company, he doesn't feel obligated to make me happy.

By agreeing to encourage and support his hobbies, I'm ensuring support for mine as well- fair's only fair, right? I figure as long as we talk about why we want it, how we can benefit from it or why it would make us happy, then we're not side-lined with any passive-aggressive feelings.

Right? RIGHT? Maybe I haven't been married long enough. ;)