Court Date Revisited.

There are days that you feel overwhelmed. When you can't move because you're paralyzed with fear, with guilt, with consuming dread of the things you have to do that day.

I do not like these feelings.

In fact, I dislike them so much that I will actively do the things that need doing, just to avoid feeling like that.

I pride myself on being a strong person and getting things done, but sometimes there's that one thing that knocks me on my butt. That makes me wish I had my mom (but I'll settle for a husband too).

I don't know what it was about fighting this stupid train citation, but I was shaking uncontrollably as I exited the courtroom this morning (victorious!). As I looked around at my fellow infraction-committers I wondered where I had gone so wrong as to be stuck here. What a strange group. 

It reminded me of those times that I got in trouble at school and had to sit with the delinquents. Those kids who were always breaking rules, picking fights and talking back. 

I don't do that. 

I'm quiet in public. 

I try very hard to follow rules. 

So why was I here?

The courthouse itself is nothing note-worthy. Dirty, outdated, cranky sheriff officers; it's the same everywhere. My  husband, bless his sweet heart, offered to go in with me- to drive me there and sit with me in the courtroom so I wouldn't feel so alone. 

I took his hand as a lifeboat- the growing anxiety of getting in trouble threatened to swallow me whole. I was even ready to pay the fine (until I realized it could be upwards of $200). I imagined the anxiety building so high that I would finally jump out of my seat- Katniss Everdeen style- and volunteer to pay just to get out of there. But my husband whispered sweet nothings and silly jokes in my ear, telling me it was going to be okay.

And I wonder- I hope- that I'm there for him in this way. That when his panic attacks and spells of anxiety threaten to overtake him, that I could be his shelter and his refuge. I owe so much to this man for helping me see the true priorities in life.

In the end it was anticlimactic. They frog marched us to the front podium, the "referee" listed our issue and offered us 4 options. When I whispered told him that I did indeed have the ticket requested, he waived his hand and told me to be careful. "They're relentless," he said to me.

And that was it.

How did I ever get onstage and act if I couldn't even face court by myself?

But it was over and done with, fee free, and nothing changes your day like Disneyland.

Lab techs rock.