Label Me

I have the best husband.

Now, hold on, I'm not getting gushy. I mean, not really. I'll spare you. You're welcome.

Our first Christmas together we were on a pretty slim budget- newly married, he's in school, I'm working two part-time jobs...there just wasn't a lot to spend. I asked for a blanket- a beautifully soft gray woven blanket (with fringe) that I had found at Target. Every time we passed the home furnishing aisle I would reach out and pet it and sigh.

Why must things I want at Target be $35? I feel like this is $20 too many than I want to spend on things.

I spent the rest of Christmas day wrapped up in this blanket- with my generous husband, of course- basking in its comfiness. And when people asked politely what I got for Christmas I don't think they were ready for my response. "Mr. E got me a BLANKET! No, really. I wanted it."

My friends were getting snazzy electronics and designer watches or tickets to that thing they loved and I was happy as a clam wrapped in my blanket. Now I'm not saying these gifts weren't wanted just as much my fuzzy present, and I'll spare you the less is more analogy.

But the real gift was a husband who listens. I probably gave him any number of suggestions or hints for the holidays but his watchful eyes picked up how many times I went out of my way to steer my cart to aisle F17.

This year one of my favorite gifts has been a label maker. Yep. Label. Maker. In my spice cupboard my paprika finally says PAPRIKA, my MESQUITE SEASONING will never be mistaken for BURGER SEASONING again and the ROSEMARY is sitting pretty. Not that that one's hard to mistake...

When Mr. E hopped in the shower I printed a label just for him. A little love note taped to the side of his lamp, right at eye level when he sits down to read with me before bed. All he has to do is turn his head.

AND MY GOODNESS IT TOOK THAT MAN A WEEK TO SEE IT- even with my not-so-subtle hints every night, like, "I have the BEST Husband" (GRINGRINGRIN)

I guess his eyes are just selectively watchful.

Far From It

He's supposed to wean himself off of crutches, but limping around the apartment is different than the long strides of the Saturday-shopping-minded so when we split ways in the middle of Target you can bet I was a tad worried. He hobbles, this handsome husband of mine. I spied him limping out of the personal hygiene aisle- a bag of mixed citrus and a pair of toothbrushes in one hand, a crutch in the other. His eyes were a little tired and his mohawk is too fuzzy.

We're what The Cowboy would call "takin' 'er easy". Mr. E's on a strict regimen of icing, anti-clotting aspirin and a narcotic that alternates between making him high and making him emotional. So you could say that Valentine's weekend was pretty fun.

He rules from the chaise- as un-tyrannical as the sick can be, though perhaps that's more a testament to my expert "sick-station building" than it is to his demeanor. Ottomans have been converted to a bedside table to hold pills, liquids, electronics and snacks. Crutches are within reach, the ice machine is fed regularly and the Playstation controllers are in constant charging rotation. We've even extended the TV from the wall (thank god for Costco wall-mounts).

I think I was more worried about the surgery than he was but it was over faster than I thought, he has more range of motion than either of us expected and despite the nearby pharmacy's attempt to blackmail us with his meds we're taking fewer pills than expected and feeling only slight discomfort but no pain. Can you play Mama Bear for your husband? Because I did this week.

So when he finally begged to get out of the house we decided to skate through Target for essentials. We're on a "no-spend" month after fantastic success last month, so our normal "buy-the-store approach" is curbed both by financial and physical necessity.

There he was, at the opposite corner of the store, shuffling his way towards where he knew I'd be. There may have been a few old ladies gently nudged out of the way with my cart, but I'll tell you what: I passed up those discounted chocolate covered Peeps like I didn't even see them.

Thanks

He tiptoed in to our bedroom, and leaned in close.

"Are you happy? I want you to be happy."

My initial reaction, the knee-jerk, from-the-bottom-of-the-gut reaction was "Yes."

And then I thought about all the ways I had shown him I was happy.

Asking to do more dishes.

Endless errand runs on the weekends instead of one-on-one time.

Worrying over handmade Christmas gifts and self-imposed deadlines.

Job training and budgeting.

If this is the season to be thankful, how are we showing others how we feel? How are we communicating gratefulness?

I'm thankful for food- scrumptious, delicious food.

I'm thankful for husbands and mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and in-laws and friends that feel like family, new friendships and old friendships and only-friends-at-work-friendships. I need these people. Everyday.

I'm thankful for dogs who love unconditionally and nephews who love only on the condition that they can play with big Captain America toys at your house.

I'm thankful for health and hearth, a place to rest my steel-toed feeties and the energy to fully enjoy it.

I'm thankful for books. For movies. For Facebook, without which I wouldn't have very interesting conversations.

I'm thankful for job security and the breather of fresh air this gives us.

I pray many times a day, a silent thankyouthankyouthankyou out to the universe for this life and all the wonderful things in it. Personal thankfulness is one thing, but how does my husband know what's in my heart?

These thoughts ran through my head in the split second it took me to snuggle in closer.

"Yes. I'm the happiest."

What My Marriage Has Taught Me

He likes to let me drive in the mornings, which is a good thing considering he's still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Ripley knows the drill after a few months: as soon as my fingers touch my steel-toed work boots she's already halfway out the door, eager for the ride to work.

I try to tell him every morning how much I appreciate that he drives me to work- even if I do the driving. Nightowls aren't meant for 4am wake-up times. He nods, sleepily, and smiles, but I'm not sure it really got through to him. Somehow I'll make it up- hashbrown waffles this weekend or re-watching Ninja Turtles again- there's a constant give and take between us.

Three years of marriage and there was one bit of advice that stuck with us the best. His dad spoke at our wedding- an outside affair that warranted slacks, a button-up, tennis shoes and a fishing hat. There was a lot he wanted to say with almost 40 years of marriage under his belt, but he narrowed it down to this: Give more than you take. If you both do this, your marriage will be blessed with love and happiness.

I didn't realize how flexible I could be until I was married. I didn't realize how fast I could swallow pride and anger, how quickly I could get things done or how much I could handle when I thought I'd had enough. I didn't realize how selfish I had been and how selfless I could be and how much I still had to learn about myself and my relationship with those I care about.

There was an awful article earlier this year that spoke out against getting married young, and while she had some interesting points to make, I couldn't--won't- agree with everything. There's nothing wrong with a built-in security blanket, a permanent best friend to see you through life's ups and downs. Why degrade those who have chosen to make this important decision for their personal life when all you've seen is how it may not work for you?

One of the lectures Mr. E and I attended while he was in film school was a Q and A session between producer Emma Thomas- Christopher Nolan's wife, director Betty Thomas and Alex Rose, a professor at Chapman. They were asked multiple times how to get started in the business, and the answer finally boiled down to this: find your support group. Find that person- or group of people- who will push you to do it again, who will celebrate when it goes right and will hash it out with you when it sucks. In some cases this is your best friend. Or your mom. For a lot of us it's our spouse. You'll need them, time and again, to remind you why you do this everyday.

Mr. E turned his headset to mute, found my hand and leaned across the red plush theatre seats, whispering,"I'm so lucky to have you."

Paint Nite

Four colors.

Five paintbrushes.

Two beers and two slices of pizza big enough for Malibu Barbie.

Paint Nite (or Sit and Sip) has been sweeping through cities like crazy- all over social media (including Groupon, Living Social and Yelp!) we've seen pictures of cheesy girl friends, clinking wine glasses in front of half-finished canvases.

It was time we joined the trend.

 Also, I have a hard time saying no to 50% off.

The website is super easy to use- you scroll through and can choose your painting based on proximity of the location, the type of painting or how hard the painting is rated. Seeing as this was our first time (and after work), we needed close by, something we wouldn't get tired of looking at, and EASY.

Turns out, easy is in the eye of the previously-painted-before.

Although there were some venues just down the street from us, we really liked the look of a particular painting, so we headed off to a little Italian restaurant (+ bar) in Glendale. We're totally coming back because those raviolis looked GOOD. The bar was big by drinking/eating standards but as soon as you throw in a 2x3 canvas at each place setting, cups, brushes, paint plates and beer, you're looking at pretty tight quarters.

Mr. E and I set ourselves up in a booth, and quickly realized that this was a class of friends. There were easily 30 people there, but it was less of a "date" thing and more of a "group date" experience.

Our instructor was sweet, had a little trouble with the feedback of her headset, but she played some good tunes in between the instructions (Don't mix your water and your drink!) and was generous with the compliments.

What I really liked about painting this way was all of the examples you had surrounding you. There was a finished canvas at the front, the instructor painted a second one with you, there were tiny examples sitting at your station and everyone else was painting the exact. same. thing. So comparison wasn't an issue- even if yours sucked (which you're not allowed to say out loud), you can bet you'll find someone worse than you.

What I didn't like? My perfectionist streak was not as thankful for the alcohol as my social butterfly self would have liked. The one beer may have loosened my inhibitions to strike up small talk, but when focusing on a certain method of brushing I could have used a little more focus.

Mr. E, suprisingly, was completely in his element. He loved the cathartic motions, mixing the colors and working to make sure that his background trees looked different from his foreground- he played with dimensions and perspective and showed a little competitive streak I didn't know his fine motor skills were capable of.

I think by far the best ending to a date has got to be: When can we do this again?

Step Twenty-Seven: Learn How to Fight Fairly

This is probably one of the only "secret tricks" to relationships- and you can apply it to more than just your marriage.

Fighting is okay. In fact, fighting is good.

Weird, right?

Fighting is essentially a confrontation of ideas- you believe one way and your opponent believes the other. There's no inherent problem with a difference of opinion. Often times it can strengthen your convictions or open your eyes to other opinions and work on making you a little more humble.

The difference is your technique and presentation. If you come out screaming abuse and obscenities (or comparisons and resentment), I can guarantee your husband is not going to react well. Maybe he gets defensive, maybe he clams up, maybe he walks away from you and maybe he screams back in your face. None of these reactions address the problem and nothing got resolved.

Instead, approach fights with honesty and feelings. Ew, right? Who wants to bombard their husbands with "You make me feel..."? Well, you shouldn't.

Don't project. It should never be "YOU make me feel", rather you should keep it to "I feel because..."
For example: I feel hurt when...(give example)
There's a subtle difference there.

Brevity is important. I'm going to pull out a generalization here (and you're welcome to cite all of the exceptions you know) but I have yet to encounter a romantic interest who wanted to sit down and discuss all the possibilities and tangents and comparisons of an argument. I could always give them (and usually wanted to because I'm wordy like that), but then their eyes started to glaze over and I could tell I lost them. Keep it simple until he wants more detail.

Go to bed angry. I know that adage has been touted repeatedly- dusted off and pulled out at weddings and receptions and the like- but this is dependent entirely on how the two of you deal with issues. Personally, I think a lot of things can be solved after a good night's sleep- I see better in the morning and I've had some time to let it all sink in. By the time I wake up I often realize what a colossal jerk I've been and we can resolve our argument much more efficiently. If that's not your style, then by all means take the time to solve the issue before you hit the hay. Just keep in mind that life has a nasty way of breaking habits and just when you've perfected your system something will come up which makes your method unattainable.

Ultimately, realize that fighting in a relationship isn't about being mean or inflicting hurt. If those are your goals, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're doing something wrong.

Step Twenty-Five: Some Things to Not Do. No Matter How Tempting

My intent with this series wasn't really to get your husband to do what you want, but ya'll are smart readers and you knew that. It also wasn't to tell you what to do or what not to do in your relationship. Because that way leads many many many choices and decisions and values and personal commitments.

But there are some things that just shouldn't be done in a loving, trusting relationship. In my opinion.

We talked about one of them- don't lie to each other. I'm not talking "there's no more pie" or "I'd love to watch a Sylvester Stallone movie with you" type of lying- I mean allowing assumptions to creep in, or avoiding that conversations about how your feelings have changed. It's all about respect, people, and of all relationships in your life, you should respect your spouse.

Domestic violence. Big topic, amirite? In all seriousness, it's never okay to hit your spouse in malice or anger. We hear a lot of stories about husband-on-wife disputes, but it's important to understand that media and our society often have a skewed view on events and there are more reverse cases than you'd think. That's not to say that violence of either sort is more or less destructive, just that awareness is important. If you're so mad at your husband that you need to resort to physically lashing out, then it's time to take a good hard look at your coping mechanisms.

Lastly, be careful of your out-of-marriage relationships. Notice how this one isn't a hard and fast rule? You need to make your own decisions on this one. It can be very tempting for some relationships to unravel when the focus is not there anymore. We also live in a day and age where comfort or confession can be viewed as consent. As a partner you have an obligation to either keep yourself out of those situations or stay honest with your spouse. That choice is entirely your own.

Step Twenty-Four: Are You Focused?

This is just your daily reminder to stay present with your husband. Be aware, be involved, be supportive. It's easy to take that man for granted because he signed his life away to be with you forever, through thick and thin, sickness and health. So yeah, he shares that home with you, but are you aware of what he's doing for you or are you continually pointing out all he's not doing?

It's really easy for me to get caught up in my day- work, planning dinner, taking the dog for a walk- I'm already mapping my day by the time I get up to get the most out of my time (otherwise I'll sit like a bump on a log). Mr. E and I are passing like ships in the night- his Sound team was let go from the feature so he's home, and I'm gone early, home late. It's not unusual for me to leave him a list of things to do around the house: deposit a check, make a return to Target, etc.

But sometimes I forget to say these things with love. I forget that Mr. E will do anything for me but he can't do everything. I don't always remember that he operates in a different way than I do and that my list-making and order-giving can seem condescending, even when I don't mean it that way.

It's times like these that I have to re-focus on my husband. In keeping our communication open and honest, I'm better able to understand how he's feeling  (not so great being job-less, thanks) and what I can do as a wife to support him.

When I focus on my husband, I'm focusing on our relationship and that's always a good thing.

Step Twenty-Three: Love Languages

If you haven't heard of, checked, quizzed yourself or read about the 5 Love Languages- go look!

Essentially the idea is that love is expressed in five different categories: Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. If you need a clarification (or to find what your strengths are) feel free to visit the website.

I'll wait.

Have your top two? Me too. I "speak" in Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch- which doesn't surprise me at all because Mr. E and I aren't generally too far from each other spatially when we're together. I'm pretty big in the "talking" category, too. I just want my relationships to know exactly what it is that makes me happy: it helps them by acknowledging what they do and ensuring they'll do it again, propagating a cycle of generosity and encouragement.

I quizzed Mr. E too, partly out of curisoity but also because if I'm "talking" to him using the wrong "language" then we aren't communicating very effectively. It wasn't much of a surprise his highest scoring language was Physical Touch, but his secondary language (Quality Time) made me think.

Sometimes we reassess our day-to-day when we make big changes- it's a little way of keeping us connected and attuned with one another. Mr. E has often requested more time together and I always assumed it was because he's a little bit stingy with gas money or his down time and he didn't want to travel anywhere. And maybe that's part of it. But once I knew that "speaks" in Quality Time, I realized that this penchant for staying at home and hanging together made a little more sense. This was a way he was telling me he loved me.

These certainly aren't hard and fast rules and there are always exceptions, but by understanding the preferences we have for expressing our feelings, it was a lot easier for Mr. E and I to communicate. And communication is a good thing...you know?

Step Twenty-Two: Stop Trying

How do you get your husband to do what you want? Stop trying.

Really.

Don't try at all.

If you've pleaded and cajoled and threatened and ignored to no avail, maybe it's time to sit back and let him take the reins.

When there's absolutely nothing my husband wants to do (and he's very vocal about when this happens) I stop asking.

I do what I want and/or need to do and I avoid asking for his help. Yes, this may be a tad passive-aggressive, but I don't do it in a "look-what-I'm-doing-you-jerk" kind of way. I see it more as taking his hints that what I'm asking is too much. Frankly, what is there that I can't do on my own anyways? Not a whole lot.

So the next time your husband drags his feet or ignores your repeated attempts at including him in the decision-making process, do it without him. At least this way when he tries to complain later you can always tell him you tried.

Step Twenty-One: Short and Sweet

I don't usually do this...but today I'm calling in a free pass.

Mr. E doesn't do well with long meaningful discussions about why a freshly-made bed absolutely rocks my socks at the end of the day.

So I keep it short.

Hun. Please put your shoes away. I love you.

Simple, concise and to the point.

We could talk for days about feelings and emotions and history and baggage, but the easiest way to get Mr. E to do something is to lay it out in its bare bones.

No ruffles. No ribbons. I do keep it polite, though. Most of the time.

I've heard it's a guy thing. I've heard that guys just don't like talking a whole lot. That they don't do well with big words or explanations. That's okay. Before my first cup of coffee or glass of wine, I don't do well with them either.

But sometimes I think we all need it short and simple. Sometimes I just need you to get to the point of what you're saying so I can do it already. And get back to what I want to do, amirite?

Step Twenty: Ask, Don't Tell

Before you can ask nicely, or to choose between options, you first need to ASK.

Mr. E doesn't like to be told or hinted or passive-aggressively left to-do lists. Doing these things removes him from the conversation- like he's not a part of the decision making process. This leaves ME as the decision maker and all of a sudden we're not treating each other as equals or partners. Instead we're ordering and pulling authority that neither of us has, raising expectations neither of us can reach.

In short we have building volcanoes. All it takes is a pair of shoes left in the wrong place (the computer desk) at the wrong time (when I'm sitting down to write).

To circumvent the out pour of molten stress and misplaced aggression- we encourage each other in meaningful dialogue. Asking my husband to do the dishes (instead of telling him they need to be done) establishes a clear-cut task that will make me happy. No guess work. No extra steps. It includes him in the maze that can be my brain and gives him the option to let me know if this is a) enough or b) too much.

By asking I validate that his goals and tasks for the day are important, too, so no one is feeling diminished or taken for granted. It only gets better from there.

Step Nineteen: Politeness Isn't Just for Strangers

I know that I can often fall into a rut: my day is long and busy and there's only so many decisions I can make at work before I'm tapped out. When I get home, it's all I can do to fall into the couch and eat a spoonful of peanut butter. At this point I may not be in the best of moods.

It's here that I need to be most careful! My husband is, in a lot of ways, like a coworker- he deserves my respect and attention despite the fact that some days he may drive me batty. It's important to our relationship that I don't take advantage of the fact that he's stuck with me until the end of our days and then some. Just like I may have to put on a polite face for people in the office, I sometimes have to pull it out for my hubs.

Mr. E and I are pretty comfortable around each other, but that doesn't give us any leeway to stop treating each other like civil human beings. I think it's important to keep politeness- not to be confused with a polite distance- in the marriage. One of the reasons we adopted our Ripley was because we would come home and flop on the couch- no rhyme or reason to our nights or weekends and we weren't particularly motivated to do anything. Getting a dog changed that for the better- all of a sudden there's someone else whose needs need to be seen to: she has to go out, she has to be fed, she has to be exercised. Thank goodness we pushed ourselves out of comfortable stability (and a permanent seat-print on the cushion)- we're now better motivated to get things done than we were before.

The same idea applies to treating your spouse politely- despite how long you've known each other, despite the inside jokes and behind-closed-doors shenanigans, you still have to deal with each other every single day. Try to keep those "please"s and "thank you"s around.

Step Eighteen: Be Honest (?)

We've already talked about being honest with your husband- how omitting things, avoiding blame and outright lying to your spouse can lead to resentment and trust issues. And what's a relationship without trust? Not a whole lot.

So you know it's important to be honest with your husband, but an important step in the process is to be honest with yourself.

Chances are you know exactly what you can handle, but do you know how much your husband can handle? Do you know his breaking point? His comfort zone? These things aren't just nice to know- they're useful tools in gauging your husband's ability to juggle life's curveballs.

Keep it real, readers! Expectations are well and good but understand that your standards and his standards may differ. Communicate with each other, but above all, have realistic expectations. I would love to have my home sparkling and spotless when I come home each day, but that's not a very realistic request of my husband- just as he knows it's not realistic for me to make dinner everyday. When we commit to honest dialogue, we encourage a relationship that's built on more than just assumptions, but trust and respect.

Step Seventeen: Timing is Everything

You know that feeling when everything seems to be on your plate at once? When you can't possibly add one more thing to your to-do list because you might keel over from exhaustion (and possible inappropriate coffee dispensing)? Imagine someone asked you to for that one more thing- chances are you're a little predisposed to say no, even if it's perfectly reasonable.

It's all about the timing.

This is a skill that most people learn at home first. There was always a good time and a bad time to ask my parents for something: immediately as they walked in the door? Not so much. After they found out I did extra chores and started dinner? Lookin' better.

The same is true for my husband. If I ask him to...write a guest post for my blog...after a 12-hour day on set, before he's eaten and right in the middle of an argument with our handyman, the best I can get is an irritated "Uh-huh" that never really gets done. But if I time my question so that he's in a better mood or frame of mind, then the odds that he'll do what I ask are already in my favor.

I just happen to stack the odds pretty often, too, with things like this.

Step Sixteen: Communicate Your Desires

This one seems sort of self-explanatory, right?

Except when can you find the time in your day to feed yourself, commute to work, blog, do the laundry and all the other myriad of daily, weekly and monthly tasks life has assigned you, much less communicate with your husband. 

Juggling life isn't always easy. But there was one thing that changed my outlook on how I deal with all that: you make time for what's important to you. Instead of saying "I would love to, but I'm so busy right now" try saying instead "I don't want to make time for that". 

Sounds a little different, doesn't it? 

That's really what it comes down to- there are cut and dried priorities in your life (going to work, paying bills, etc) and then there are things that are a little more loose (sleeping 8 hours a night, walking the dog, etc). 

Mr. E and I are in that awesome up-swing of marriage where the other person is top priority. The shoe will drop someday and we may forget all of our tips and tricks for staying happy with one another, but right now we focus on each other: supporting, enabling, comforting, communicating. 

We're far from perfect at this (good GRIEF would you just finish dishes one of these days!) but maintaining communication is paramount to getting what we want. After all, Mr. E doesn't always know what I want if I don't tell him.

Today I squoze squeezed fit in the Five Minute Friday word: Laundry. We're taking ours this weekend to my parents and avoiding that $11.50 charge.

Step Fifteen: Change What You're Asking For

You may think that with all of my posts that Mr. E and I communicate extremely well. For the most part that's true...we've been together for five and a half years, so I think we've definitely hit that stage where we understand a lot of the motivations behind each others actions.

But I wasn't born with telepathy. And neither was Mr. E.

This can lead us to some pretty thorny arguments! In general, when I'm doing a task (dishes, errands, making dinner) my thought process is two or three steps ahead of what's at hand. I multitask a lot, so I'm usually thinking something like..."1/2 tsp of salt...1/2 tsp of salt...I need to change my mailing address for my Old Navy credit card...Old Navy has shoes on sale right now...Ripley ate a pair of my shoes last week...Ripley needs to go out...I'll do it and take the trash out at the same time...I found our TV desk by the trash...I need to dust the TV"

I'm learning that this is not the way that Mr. E works. Frankly, I'm learning that this isn't the way a lot of people work! So while I'm reciting a to-do list to myself, committing it to memory and actively thinking about each project simultaneously, I might be talking at the same time about a completely different subject.

Mr. E, on the other hand, needs one task to be finished before he can be told the next one- he likes to focus on one thing at a time, to be present and thorough about each individual task. My brother is the same way; so much so that I wish I could go back in time and implement that lesson earlier. Sorry, Colin.

I'm still learning how to communicate with my husband (and other people in my life who think this way), but I'm already making pretty good use of the information. When we get frustrated with one another because I'm six steps ahead and he can't catch up, I remind myself to stop. Slow down. To change what I'm asking of Mr. E.

There's no right or wrong way between the two of us, but there are certainly better and worse ways we communicate. I have to take it upon myself to change how I'm asking for something to be done, rather than assume that everyone's on the same page. I like to think that my example is useful for Mr. E when he can't seem to communicate with me, either.

I hope.

Step Fourteen: Make Him Choose

If you were looking for helpful hints and tips to get your husband to do what you want, you may have been disappointed. As I've said before, my husband doesn't "do what I want" because I'm in charge or bossy or dominating (at least I don't think!). I work hard to serve my husband: to understand him so we can better communicate and build a strong relationship that will last longer than we do.

But I do have one trick up my sleeve.

Whenever we have tasks that neither of us relish doing, I always give him the first choice.

"Hun, would you like to do the dishes? Or make dinner?"

"Do you want to help me make the bed? Or do you want to take the trash out?"

"Do you want to vacuum or clean out the car?"

I like to think that when I take charge to get something done, I turn right around and relinquish control of the situation to put us both on an even playing field. That way it doesn't feel like I'm ordering him around: this is OUR space, not mine, and I'm just as responsible for maintaining it as he is. But by giving him the choice between tasks, he feels more in control- like he's able to choose the option that he thinks least sucks.

Spoiler: sometimes both choices suck.

But he has a completely different attitude about what he's doing when he got to choose.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I ruthlessly applied this tactic from a parenting magazine, but in the end what matters is the fact that BOTH chores are done with minimal blame or accusations- just the way I like it.

Step Thirteen: Bribery

Ladies (and any gents out there)...

I am not above bribing my husband.

Frankly, I'm not above bribing anyone, but that's a whole other post, amirite?

It may not be the most ethical or rewarding of relationship tools, but sometimes you have to make do with what you have.

I bribe my husband with a multitude of things I know he likes:

•      a whole day to sit at home and not go anywhere
•      going to see a movie in theaters (we're movie buffs, what can I say?)
•      food. Really awesome, usually home-cooked, food

Sometimes your husband just doesn't want to do something that you've set your heart on. In these cases, I call a compromise: I'll do this for you if you do this for me. This is sort of a last ditch effort for Mr. E to focus on what's at hand- usually it's something mundane like cleaning the house or making a run to Goodwill. But if I promise him something he wants at the end (we won't have to move for the rest of the day or I'll make pizza), I can get that last burst of concentration and willpower- just enough to get us through.

This is especially helpful because my husband sometimes has anxiety. Every once in a while, for no darn good reason, he just feels in the dumps and there's not a whole lot I can do or say to snap him out of it. I think I'm learning it's not even really a "snap out of it" kind of thing. But what I can  do for him is offer a reward at the end of whatever I need. Having a tangible goal in mind keeps Mr. E focused on what I want (let's jog one more block) for us to get through it and on with our day.

Instead of this being a great sacrifice on my part, I'll let you in on a little secret: I like making my husband happy. Service for my spouse makes me happy, too.

Step Twelve: To Get You've Got to Give

This is kind of a two-sided suggestion.

First of all, giving feels really good.

No, not necessarily that kind of good, guys. I'm talking the kind of good that comes from volunteering or doing something self-less because it feels good to give to others. I love making other people's day, be it a card in the mail or an extra soda from the machine at work. I'm always on the lookout for that little something extra to let people know that they are important to me. So why not use this on my husband?

Sure, I can show him a little love but what I'm really trying to do is associate myself with the act of giving so when he sees me it's a quick association with receiving something he likes. There's a lot of hardship that can go on in a relationship, but when I go out of my way to pick up a Slim Jim at the gas station or buy a movie I know he wants, I'm keeping our bond on an even keel. There's not always time for long conversations about how things are, but a pair of socks (one of his favorite gifts, I'll have you know) can have much the same meaning: I'm thinking about you even when I'm buying a work uniform.

How does this help him do what you want? I don't know about you, but there's always a little friendly competition going on in our house. We're not necessarily trying to outdo one another, but hardly a day goes by when we can't help ourselves from matching each other's gestures. For example: while he's busy doing something at home, sometimes I'll turn to him, meet his eyes and tell him just how happy I am that we got married. Snapping him out of his task and stating how much he means to me can be a pretty powerful mood changer for him. Of course, he can't let that go unmatched- and he often turns the tables on me a few hours later.

It's sort of like leading by association. Mr. E sometimes needs a little reminder that I could use a pick-me-up, but instead of pouting or whining or "I wish you would..."-ing (yeah, I just made that a verb) I encourage him in a way that's stress-free for the both of us.