Step Five: Accept Blame

This goes against every single lesson I learned in childhood. With three siblings it was much easier to play the blame game- so much so that mom always said her fifth child was "Not Me". Avoiding trouble and responsibility was like second nature- if I could get out of it, I would. If I could prove someone else might have done it, I would. But durn if that's not how marriage works.

Owning up is something I would like to go out of my way to avoid. Personally it's deeply shaming that I did something wrong and got caught for it- left the headlights on and killed the car battery? Forgot to hang Mr. E's T-shirts so they wouldn't shrink? Missed a bill deadline? Things like this happen all of the time but they also suck. I take pride in the things I do, be it chores or errands or craft projects, so to mess up or fail at something I'm working on is kind of a blow to my ego. But while my first instinct is to get annoyed and my second is to blame something else, I'm practicing my latent acceptance skills.

Just like any other skill, you have to exercise this one; allowing yourself to be at fault and accepting the responsibilities for it. 

How does this get my husband to do what I want? Because I'm setting the example for him that I expect responsibility and fairness in our relationship. That I don't get a "Get out of Jail free card" just because I was the one who made the mistake. That house rules and agreements are to be abided by equally and fairly. By making myself vulnerable and still accepting my load, I'm creating an environment of shared work and mutual respect.

I'm also refraining from blaming him. Being blamed for something you didn't do is a surefire way to feel like you're thrown against the wall, a tactic that is not only unfair but deeply threatening to someone who is supposed to be your equal. My husband has the right- as I do- to feel accepted and be treated fairly in our home. If I am able to swallow my pride and squash those nasty blaming habits of my childhood, I am better able to encourage and welcome an atmosphere of retreat. Or happiness and rainbows, whichever he prefers.

I think it's important to bow your head and swallow your pride every once in a while. You can't both be right all of the time and marriage is not a power struggle. I don't want to battle my husband to find fault in the Who Didn't Take Out the Trash scenario because my husband deserves a deeper respect than that. After all, that's part of the reason I chose to marry him.

Mr. E on How He Does What He Wants

If there is one thing I have learned about marriage is that it is much easier to be happy if you make your wife happy first. Here’s one way I do it.

Now, when it comes to bread winning, Mrs. E and I have sort of a tag team (but she has a little more endurance than I do so she spends the most time in the ring). That leaves a lot of household work for me to do, and I’m really not very good at that stuff. But when work in the film business is slow, I spend lots of time at home, so I need to pick up the slack.

On a given day, I rarely get all the things done around that house that I should. There are a LOT of dishes in the sink and maybe I don’t get all of them clean… or any of them. The floors are getting dirty, but we aren't having company over until the end of the week, so why clean them now if I’m going to have to do them again in a few days? It can wait, right? And the garage… that’s just too much organizing to do in one day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the soaps all day… I don’t wear pajamas and I prefer video games, but that’s neither here nor there. I don’t want you to think that I’m lazy and that I don’t get anything done, I just want to let you know that sometimes there are days that you are more productive than others.

This is why I make the bed. Every day. Without fail. This is the constant that I give to my wife. So when she comes home from work and the house is messy, there’s no room to wash her hands in the sink, and the dog hasn’t been on a walk, I still have something up my sleeve. She will come into the bedroom to change and see that her place of relaxation is neat and waiting for her.

I make the bed so that when she ends her day and slips into the tightly made sheets, she will know that her husband thought of her while she was away.

Step Four: Hold Your Horses. And Your Temper. But Not That Knife.

Most husbands people avoid fights. They'll sometimes fight for you but for the most part they don't like to fight with you. 

This has been my hardest lesson in marriage so far because, ladies and gentlemen, I have a short-temper. I get annoyed by the smallest things- people won't get out of the way for me to disembark from the train, sewing teeny tiny even straight lines, even flies that are way too skilled at avoiding the fly swatter can piss me off. For the most part my anger fiercely burns for about two hours; the average play time of a feature length movie, or the time it takes for a pie to be made. 

In that time Mr. E can walk in unknowingly...or sometimes he's the cause of it because hey we're human, and it's all I can do not to lump him in with all of the other no-good-very-bad-awful things that are happening to ME. Because in my life the world revolves around me and my wants and desires and when things don't fall into place the best I can do is lash out. 

Except I can't. Because I'm not five. Or even fifteen.

My marriage is a partnership- we're equal and equivalent and all the other ways to say THE SAME. As in neither of us is more important than the other. None of our wants or hopes or goals is more important or less important because the other person has them and we don't. That's not to say that we have the same goals, but just because they're different or our methods clash doesn't mean that the other person is WRONG. Because nobody likes being told that they're wrong. Nobody likes being yelled at or having the door slammed in their face or listening to that self-important "I told you so" voice from their spouse.

One of my favorite things about my husband is how much he has taught me about patience and forgiveness and turning the other cheek. Our story is one of opposites: we fought more before we got married than we ever have after that knot was tied (literally; we did a hand-fasting ceremony). We would bicker all of the time, but I didn't mind because

a) I kind of like to fight 

and 

b) I am independent and assertive, hear me ROAR! 

and 

c) we rarely did it in person so I wasn't very inconvenienced.

But fighting face to face is extremely inconviencing. You have to face that person over and over again as you slam through the house pointedly trying to avoid the other person. All of a sudden we were playing musical rooms, each of us huffing and puffing to get our own way in 800 square feet. Nobody is winning here. Frankly, at this point, neither of us even like the game anymore.

So tactics had to change. Being at odds about one thing usually led to us being at odds about everything so Long Nights On-Set Without Checking-In turns into Never Being Able To Fold the Towels Correctly or Don't Leave the Nice Knives in the Sink. This is not conducive to getting your husband to do what you want. In fact, this isn't getting you anywhere.

I am breaking my habits and trying again (and again) to be more like my husband: reserving judgement until the situation has been explained. Keeping my cool. Trying to understand his point of view. When I reach out like this and let him know that not only am I trying to reign in my gut-reaction, but also trying to see his way of things, Mr. E is way more accommodating- partially because he has a sympathetic heart and he knows how hard that can be for me, but also because by treating him like my partner even at my most out-of-control moments he is reminded that I have crazy love and respect for him. Seriously.

To get your husband to do what you want (and enjoy doing it) you need to treat him as your equal. Sometimes that means physically swallowing the rage and bile that threatens to spew forth when you've told him for the umpteenth time to put his shoes away. So remember to  put a cork in it- he'll be more likely to help you out or listen to your side of the story if you show him self-control.

Write #fiveminutefriday

Write. For five minutes straight. One-word prompt, five minutes, no editing. I'm linking up over at Lisa-Jo Baker (aka The Gypsy Mama) where we read, write and encourage.

I write in fits and starts these days. Time seems to be slipping away from me when before I was drowning in it. It seems like it's feast or famine over here.

This is supposed to be the start of it all. This is the beginning of our real lives, our adult lives, our lives that don't revolve around school or splitting our focus on things that are more or less mandatory but holding us back from what we want to do.

And then the realization hits: I'm holding me back from what I want to do.

I want to be an employee not a temp. I want to help on movie sets and craft all of my Christmas presents for my friends and remember to take the dog for her walk everyday. I want to lose weight and I want to sleep in and I want to write like my life depends on it. I want to have kids.

But you can only pick two of these things (maybe three) and I'm taking the bits of me that are falling to pieces and sowing them in fields far and wide to see what grows. I'm working on my job like my sanity depends on it (because I think it does) and that leaves a tiny sliver of space, a crack, an opening for my words and my thoughts and my voice to thrive.

I'm writing.

Step Three: Indulge Him

This sort of seems counter-intuitive, but to get your husband to do what you want, let him do what he wants.

I think I get the most flack for this part of my relationship with Mr. E, but it's what works for us and might work for you, too! There are a lot of things about my husband that I don't quite understand (football. leveling up characters in Mass Effect 3. his affinity for drying knives) but I roll with it all because it's important to him. I'm sure I have plenty of quirks that he scratches his head at (fabric types. which pan is best for stir-fry. why he can't use my Wii remote).

The trick is that by including him in the conversation and validating his interests as just as important as my own, he's much more approachable about other subjects because he knows that his opinion is valued. 

Interpretation is important. I'm not "allowing" or "letting" my husband do anything. That implies a level of control and pants-wearing that we don't subscribe to. 

We strive to keep our lives as balanced as possible: there are things we do together but there are also things we like to do alone- even if we're in the same room as each other. There are plenty of projects or activities we would rather do as a couple, like watching a show together, or running errands, but just as often we are content to sit in the same room while he plays a game online with his brother and I sew. 

It's all a matter of perspective. Since I have my own projects that I prefer to do alone, I'm not constantly nagging Mr. E to do something with me. That way, when I need his help or would prefer his company, he doesn't feel obligated to make me happy.

By agreeing to encourage and support his hobbies, I'm ensuring support for mine as well- fair's only fair, right? I figure as long as we talk about why we want it, how we can benefit from it or why it would make us happy, then we're not side-lined with any passive-aggressive feelings.

Right? RIGHT? Maybe I haven't been married long enough. ;)

Step Two: Fostering a Positive Envrionment

This is such a simple, easy thing to do that has SUCH a big impact. Like anyone else, husbands LOVE to hear that they are loved.

You wouldn't expect plants to thrive with no water, a body sustained without food or a blogger to function without coffee or tea. The same is true for your husband! 

Long after those puppy-love feelings have been extinguished, after the honeymoon is over and the weight of living together has really set in, what's left over is the environment the two of you have founded. Is it based on positive affirmations or degrading one another? Do you encourage each other's interests with love and support or are you biting and sarcastic? Are you loving and self-sacrificing for his needs as well as your own?

If life at home is consistently negative, or unsupportive (for either or you) then how can you reasonably expect your husband to WANT to do anything for you? Why should your husband put forth the effort willingly and eagerly if he is unsure of the reaction he'll receive? 

Mr. E and I work hard to make sure that the home we've created is positive. It's a place of rest, a haven to return to and not worry about judgement or ridicule. 

Positivity comes in all shapes and sizes- Mr. E and I are incredibly vocal about our feelings for one another. One of my favorite things about him is that he would sing nonsense songs to me- with silly lyrics about how I'm "awesome" or "so beautiful". Sometimes I'll turn up the radio and dance really silly with him; that always makes him laugh. When we're out we stop by stores we know the other would want to stop in- whether or not we're really interested. Because we give to each other 110%, we reap the love and affection everyday, all the time.

Believe it or not, we actually use this angle when training our dog, Ripley. It's positive reinforcement- praising the things our pup does right and re-directing the things she does wrong helps her understand the rules of the house. Maybe it's a bit crass to compare dog-training and spouse-conditioning, but the idea is similar. 

I know that I am much more motivated to do something for my husband when I am recognized and appreciated for it- even something as small as grabbing a glass of water for him before going to bed. 

When your husband feels comfortable and welcome at home he's more likely to listen to the things you ask him to do.

Step One: Choosing the Right Partner

Day one of How To Make Your Husband Do What You Want (HTMYHDWYW or WYW for short)

Let's just start with the basics. 

Square One. First Step.

You cannot change your husband. 

I'll say it again because I don't think people realize this like they think they do. 

You CANNOT change your husband. 

 Only he can do that. If he wants. 

The long and the short of it is: you get what you marry. So choose wisely.

So what's a woman to do when she's looking for her husband to want to clean the dishes? Or to run errands in his free time? Or cook dinner without being asked?
Unless these things happened before marriage I can almost guarantee they won't happen after marriage barring a drastic change on someone's part.

Let's just call an apple an apple and collectively realize that marriage is not a magic threshold which you step over and become a completely different person. Things are not drastically different between the two of you. 

I think we've built up this nigh unattainable expectation of what men (and women) should automatically do after the ring slips on the finger. Once the vows are exchanged women waltz off to maintain the household and men spend their days providing and supporting- monetarily or otherwise. Or maybe that was just me. 

No matter how many times you cajole or plead or guilt, your man will not magically start fulfilling your expectations of the perfect man just because the wedding is over. We don't even have to call out men specifically here- wives are just as guilty of this as husbands.
To get him to do what you want you first need to ask yourself- is this the right man? Does he have the same marital and relationship goals as I do? Will he comfort and strengthen me? Will he protect and support me in my decisions? You won't be able to rationalize a change of heart with a husband who has no intention of changing.

Despite our rockin' relationship, Mr. E and I were adamant about pre-marital counseling. We were young and came from very different backgrounds, so we wanted to be serious about the commitment we were going to make. Plus, having a third party mediate some of our more intense conversations was incredibly helpful. Granted, the results weren't that eye-opening since we're honest with each other. After three years we had settled into a communicative dialogue, but it was an important step for us to commit to being on the same page regardless of how "in love" we felt. We were both kind of bogged down with this nebulous idea that marriage solved problems, brought us closer together and would be all around awesome. And this was kind of true. We sort of focused on the same things, enjoyed similar tastes and had goals and priorities that meshed rather than clashed. What we learned was how to communicate effectively and understand what the expectations were for ourselves and for each other. 

Marriage isn't a solution for a relationship that is not entered into mutually. You can't assume bad habits are erased, that apathy will be discarded for enthusiasm or that feelings will change once you're hitched. 

Because we talked about our expectations neither of us was really hit with any surprises after marriage: Mr. E sits on the couch and plays video games online with his brother while I'm stirring stir-fry and wiping counters. I chose a partner with the mostly full knowledge that his habits and interests weren't going to change after August 2011, and Mr. E did the same. I still hold deep grudges and want a clean bathroom, but Mr. E wasn't side-lined with a passive aggressive Lysol-Nazi come Marriage Day One.

The best advice I ever received was two-fold. 

First, that you choose who you fall in love with. In fact, you make that choice everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Ultimately the only person keeping you in a marriage is yourself- your beliefs, your convictions, your choice to continue (or not) loving your husband. 

The second, is that you should always give 110% to your partner. If you're focused on each other the rest will fall into place. So instead of fighting against the nature of your husband, frustrating yourself and your partner, understand that you get what you have always had. Marriage doesn't change his personality.